July 20, 2008
Is the Grass Greener?
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I went to a movie and dinner with a "married" girlfriend tonight. I walked away thinking about how it is we always seem to think the grass is greener on the other side. She was envious of the fact that I have built in time to myself every single week when my kids go to their Dads. I of course was envious that she has someone to go to a movie with any night of the week. Or snuggle with, or eat dinner with, or even just look at. How about have sex with? Oh, but I digress. The point is, I'm sure if I were to pry, she would probably do just about anything to have some built in time and not have 6 little eyes staring at her every next move. She would probably love to dance around in her underwear just once on a Sunday afternoon. So why is it that us single people want what the married people have and the married people are always wondering what it might be like to be single again. So I say, close your eyes, and count your blessings and know you are exactly where you need to be and enjoy the heck out of it.
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July 18, 2008
Two houses with two sets of rules
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"That's not how we do it at Daaaads," I hear. Great. So this split family living isn't always the easiest. Being a parent of pre-teens isn't the easiest of jobs under any circumstances. But what on earth do you do when they are shuffling between two parents who have two sets of rules. Well my best advice is IF YOU CAN, talk to your ex. Discuss some of the basic rules like bedtimes, curfews, homework habits and so on. If at all possible agree to some consistencies. If you can't because your ex thinks that when you have such conversations you are trying to "control" him/her, then don't. Instead just calmly explain to your child why the rule is the way it is at your house. Explain that in society there are different rules at different places all the time. Like at school you can't chew gum or maybe wear shorts, but at home you can. I also am a firm believer in not setting too many rules, as we all know rules are made to be broken. So unless it is really causing detriment to your family or your child, sit back and see if maybe you are the one being unreasonable. Many of us dig in our heels just to spite our ex, and if we really step back we will see that occassionally it is us being out of line.
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July 17, 2008
What's for Dinner Mom?
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| It seems to be the question in every house at about 4 or 5:00 in the afternoon. What's for dinner? It certainly seems to fall a lot on Mom, especially in a married relationship. Well this summer in our back and forth kids living between two houses I decided that maybe my kids could figure it out. So on Tuesdays, the day I pick them up from Dad's, they spend time looking through recipe books and coming up with a menu each. They have been asked to plan one meal for later in the week, including making a grocery list. So Tuesday afternoon when I pick them up they are to have grocery list in hand and off to the store we go. I usually cook Tuesday night since we get home a little later because of the store trip, but my son makes dinner on Wednesday and my daughter usually on Thursday. It has been an adventure, but each week it is getting more and more delicious! So much so, that their Dad is anxiously awaiting to hear how it went so they can try their new recipes out on him when they go back over. I love it, I have two nights a week I don't cook. They're learning how to cook, read ahead, plan, shop, and be creative. And even their Dad is learning how to be a cheerleader about something that goes on in my house! I can't wait, tonight is a BLT pizza, salad, and blueberry smoothies! Enjoy!
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July 12, 2008
What happens if your ex dies and you had kids?
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| It's probably not something you tend to think about. You're divorced now right? But if your kids are next of kin and your ex has not made other provisions, nor has parents around, you may find yourself dealing with the estate. Having an ex die may affect you in ways you can't imagine. Think back to Cher giving a eulogy at Sonny Bono's funeral. She was sobbing and could hardly speak. I have a friend who just lost her ex husband and though she is even remarried, she has hardly had a day go by for weeks when she didn't break down. Just because you aren't married doesn't necessarily mean your connection is over. And certainly if you have kids, it is not easy to watch your kids lose someone that they adore. So though you may be divorced, the death of your ex spouse may touch you. It might be wise to discuss with your ex if there should be provisions or a will in case they die a premature death. I know my ex and I are pretty good friends, and I can't really imagine anyone else at this point handling my affairs, especailly since it would be on my kids behalf. But you may not have that kind of relationship, nor trust, so it's wise that you think about it and have that conversation sooner rather than later.
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July 6, 2008
How Can I Meet New People?
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| It seems like after a divorce we are cleaned out. We're cleaned out emotionally. Sometimes financially. Sometimes we are physically drained or physically cleared out of our houses. So once the shock of everything wears off it can be tough to realize one of the other things that might have cleared out is your friends. So just how does one go about making new friends or getting back into living again? I just made the most interesting discovery in the internet world. It fits right into my idea of I want to meet a new person to date by doing things I love. But it will work for anyone trying to meet anyone for friendship, activity partner or whatever. The greatest resource for divorced people to connect with others online is of course www.divorce360.com, but to actually be able to meet people in real life, in person, my new discovery is www.meetup.com. It's a website designed to put people together to do real life connecting with people of similar interests. So far I have attended two events. The first was for people who love hot and spicy food.....we had a "hotluck". It was really fun, all with people who love spicy food like me! My second event was today with a hiking group. We took a lovely hike in the mountains and then went out for a delicious pizza lunch at a local pizzaria. Both events were with people that were all looking to do activities but didn't have anyone to do them with. As the leader of the hiking group explained to me, he was looking for someone to go hiking with..........now he has 1100 people to go hiking with! Of course they don't all come each time, but it's pretty much a given that if you are in the mood to go, at least someone will come along. So check it out. I'd love to hear about your meetup experiences! Get back out into life. Do something you love........with other people who love it!
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July 4, 2008
With kids, would you consider getting married again?
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| Marriage. Hmmm. Sounded good in theory, but it didn't work out so well for me. Well it didn't work out so well in the marriage part, but as a human being I have evolved and grown in ways that I can only look back and be thankful. I divorced when my kids were 1 and 3. I am rapidly approaching the ten year mark. My kids now almost 11 and 13! If you would have told me when I first got divorced that I would not be remarried by now I would have thought you were out of your mind. Today, I think that for my kids sake, I'm glad I haven't. Of course I haven't found exactly the right guy or relationship yet. You see I think that during the last 10 years I have been shopping for three of us. Of course I want something that is good for me and helps me grow and will last long beyond when the kids grow up and leave away. But for this time when I've got kids in my day to day life, that relationship must fit well for them as well. I would consider marriage again if it is something that is right for all 3 of us, not just for me. I would love to find a relationship that will set the example to my kids of exactly how a relationship can be done and done well. But unless it is going to be exactly that, I'm not settling. I'm too important and so are my kids.
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July 3, 2008
So what is the dating etiquette these days?
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| So I'm on my new path to dating. I'm not out "looking" for someone to date. Instead I'm just out doing whatever it is I love to do and theoretically eventually I'll meet someone interesting that loves doing that same thing. I've been testing it out and thus far it's been successful. Sort of. My first venture was at a concert in the park. This very nice and attractive gentleman came up, introduced himself, asked if we could go to dinner sometime. I gave him my number and explained that I thought we should visit a little bit more on the phone (it was hard to talk much at a concert!) before we go to dinner. When we left we agreed he would call. I was looking forward to it. He never did. His loss I suppose, but why would you act so interested and then blow someone off??? Maybe my website scared him away??? Ha! My next venture was at a political function. I met a charming fellow. We hit it of very well. We actually spent the rest of the evening tucked away in a cafe sharing wine. We scheduled a date for the next night at a concert in the park (what can I say, I like concerts in the park!). He was so completely different from the first night. It was almost like the wine had him just saying anything and then without the wine he was hardly the same person and suddenly our interests didn't match much. He never called again either. Is that the norm these days? Do you not call and at least say, thanks but no thanks? I guess it's fine, but it sure seems like a strange way of doing things if you ask me.
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June 27, 2008
Should I stay married for the kids sake?
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| Staying married because of the kids. That's not a new concept. It's certainly not one I agree with. Yes, ideally when we have kids with our spouse we envision staying together as a family until the kids are grown. But what happens when your marriage starts crumbling? Is it better for the kids if you all stay together under one roof when the stress and tension of a failing marriage are high? Do you really want to subject your kids to negative energy that surrounds you and your spouse every day? I am all for trying to make a marriage work. I'm not at all an advocate for divorce. However, I only think that people should stay in a marriage because they are working through the issues and growing together, and it is improving. I would never recomend staying in an empty relationship filled with anger and hard feelings just for the kids' sake. Is that really the example you want to set for your kids? That you are not worth happiness? That stuffing your feelings and feeling low and empty all of the time is acceptable. Do you want your kids to feel like tension you can cut with a knife is normal? Do you want them exposed to all of the fighting, passive aggressive behavior, or even just emptiness? I'm not saying that living in a shared custody situation is necessarily easy for kids. It's not. But to have a mom and a dad who are happier as individuals is bound to make their entire growing up experience a much more positive one. You will have plenty of opportunity to teach them about commitment and followthrough without having to be the sacrificial lamb in the process. Besides, you may eventually find yourself in a wonderful relationship that will set an incredible example of balance, give and take, honesty and so on. So, think about it carefully. Staying just for the kids may not be the most wise decision we make as parents. Though going is not easy, the tradeoffs may be worth it in the long run.
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June 25, 2008
What do I miss about being married?
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| It will be 10 years this September since I moved out. I left my husband and "perfect" family of a son and daughter behind. I began the kid shuffle and haven't looked back much on the marriage part. Funny thing is, when I got married if you told me I'd be divorced I wouldn't have believed it. Then when I got divorced if you told me 10 years later I wouldn't be remarried I wouldn't have believed that either. For the most part I've really come to love being single. But there are those things about being married that I miss. One thing is being included on the vacations. I can hardly hide my frustration when he goes on a trip with my kids and I'm left home alone. I miss having someone to talk to just about whenever I might need it. I miss having my car always on full. I miss doing social get-togethers as a couple. Now I have to do all the set up and clean up and there is nobody to discuss the party event with. I miss (in the early days!) waking up with someone and falling asleep with someone. I miss the family unit. I miss having a built in date for whatever function it is I might need to attend. HOWEVER, missing those things is usually a fast fleeting moment, and most of the time I am so grateful for my world. It is the best setup I could have ever dreamed. I can travel, I get breaks from my kids. I do what I want when I want, and I just really really love it!
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June 22, 2008
Summer is no time to be rigid about the shared custody schedule!
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| Ahhhh. It's officially summer. I smell the chlorine and sunscreen, the pine needles, and the fresh mowed grass. Summer is a time for kicking back and enjoying the freedom of just being. That is unless you want to tangle with your ex about the schedule. Yes I know that your divorce says that you are supposed to get your kids days XYZ. But if your ex has something fun and interesting to take them to, and it doesn't interfere with something fun and interesting you were going to take them to, then LET THEM GO! Summer should be a time for kids to be footloose and fancy free. They shouldn't have to listen to their parents bicker any time of year, but especially not in the summer in relation to something they most likely are really wishing they could do. So if your ex has tickets to the baseball game, say yes. If he's going to a 4th of July bbq complete with a close-up view of the fireworks and you were just going to hang out at home because you don't like crowds, then say yes. If he wants to take them camping, enjoy your free time! Be flexible, because summer is no time to be rigid about the shared custody schedule. Remember, it's not about you, it's about your kids!
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June 21, 2008
What is all this talk about, well you know #$%?
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| So there is a posting at divorce360.com (http://www.divorce360.com/community/advice/view/9224/ok-im-just-gona-do-iti-mean-say-it.aspx) that seems to have stirred up quite a discussion. It relates to the issue of having sex. Many of the responses are rude and crude, but I suppose it comes from the old saying, if you're not "doing it, then the next best thing is at least talking about it". So they are talking, and I guess now so am I. It appears that some are on a long dry spell. I know there were times when I was sorting through my divorce I would have welcomed a long dry spell. However, now I'm out in the dating world and things have changed. So just what is the etiquette these days. I've heard that there is some unwritten rule about how the third date is supposed to be THE date. I say, oh my gosh, no way. I guess I'm taking my sex life to a whole new level. Either I go down the road of "No rings and no strings" and tap into a friend with benefits, or I'm going to find someone to date that I get to know REAAAAALLY well before the physical gets into the picture. I've dated a couple of fellows of late that it would have been great fun to hop into bed with. Of course then all of the hormones would have been driving the show. I would have been all caught up in the sex part and been completely ignoring the "getting to know him" part. So this time, I've been holding out. Guess what, I've been learning a lot quicker that these fellows are not a very good match. The ending comes quicker, but it seems to be without all of the heartache. So, yes, it has been awhile, and I'm sure I may go knocking on one of those no strings doors pretty soon, but as far as real-dating goes, my theory is hands off for at least 3-6 months! Wish me luck!
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June 18, 2008
My Divorce Cost $1.99 plus filing fee of $100
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I can't remember exactly what the filing fee was, but it seems like it was around $100. The rest of my divorce cost me $1.99. We bought a special spiral notebook with pockets in it. You see when I got divorced I just could not see making the attorneys rich, and taking it away from my children. So as hard as it was, my ex husband and I sat down and divided everything up ourselves. No lawyers, just he and I. We divided the big assets- our paid off house, our cars, our camper, and a motorcycle. We divided the furniture and even the dishes. We did get into two knock down drag outs. One was over the computer and the other was the vacuum. (I just could not see leaving him our very expensive vacuum system, as I wasn't sure he'd ever use it!) Anyway, the point is, that in order to save money, and really the investment of our kids future, as hard as it was, we divided things ourselves. We even went through the papers ourselves, including working out our own shared parenting plan. It wasn't easy. We just realized that if we could do this, we were having short term headaches, but saving a ton of money that will only compound over time. So many people duke it out and it just doesn't have to be that way. Think of the thousands of dollars we saved....just be reasonable, it's only "stuff".
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June 15, 2008
How do you find a date today?
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| Finding a relationship again after a divorce is a daunting task. But meeting potential dates is even more daunting it seems. How long has it been since you've been out on a date? Just what do you where to the bar these days? What's more? Where is the bar, and oh my gosh what is that music they are playing? Well I've said for quite some time that the best way to meet people when you are ready is to get out and do what you love doing. Do what you love. Don't make it a quest to find a date, just get out there and do what you love. I was reminded last night of just how easily that can work. There was a local band that I adore giving a free concert in the park. I decided to pack up the lawn chair, stop for a great cheeseburger to go, and head out to the park. While I was blissfully enjoying my summer evening, apparently someone across the way had noticed me. Upon the intermission, he kindly walked over and introduced himself. We walked around for a bit, chatting and getting the basic interview questions out of the way. He asked if he could take me to dinner and I gently suggested how about I give him my phone number and we'll chat a bit under less difficult circumstances. (It's difficult to carry on a conversation over a band.) At this point I have not a clue on where this is going, but I do know that I've just met a gentleman who thought I was interesting enough to walk out of his way to approach, and one who must at least slightly enjoy spending a summer evening outside and listening to music, two of my passions. Since summer is early, maybe I at least have found someone to take in another concert or two with......and yes, maybe even dinner.
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June 13, 2008
A man to complement my life, not be my life
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| I've been spending a lot of time working on my new book that aims to help women in recovering from divorce. One of the subjects I plan to hit hard is dating. I am constantly amazed at how many women seem to leave their marriage only to, in a very short time, find themselves right back in a relationship or marriage, often times very much resembling the same patterns of the first demise. It has taken a long time for me to realize that what we women often do is look for men to somehow "complete" us. We don't seem to look at ourselves as complete in the first place. We look outside of ourselves for someone to nourish, and for someone else to validate us. Why don't we ever look to be complete all on our own? We should be in search of a man to complement our lives, not be our life. They are not a missing link to being whole. We must become whole inside before we ever consider finding a relationship again. They should be adding to the wonderful lives we have created, not becoming what our lives revolve around. Men and women should so work on complementing each other. We would be so much better at love if we loved ourselves first........
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June 8, 2008
How can teachers help kids with divorced parents?
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| So school is out, or close to it for most areas. Yet it seems like this is the times that teachers do not only their relaxing but their catching up and research for the next school year. So it has been asked of me several times in just the past few days, how can teachers help kids cope with their divorced parents. I think the best thing they can do is listen. Listen for clues of what might be upsetting the kids. I know of one teacher who loaned out her copy of my book, We're Having A Tuesday, www.werehavingatuesday.com, only to find that it was not returned to her. When she asked where her book was, the child explained that it was just something she kept to herself and she didn't want to share it because it made her feel better. Of course that instantly started a conversation with the teacher of just how well things were or were not at home. So listening is most important. The other thing that is important for teachers to do is not try to be in the middle. So if that means sending home two notices, one to Mom and another to Dad, so be it. Learn their schedule if you have to and try to accomodate. It certainly isn't the child's fault that they are in the situation. Another helpful thing might be to help the kids establish more routines for themselves. Have them learn to use their backpack as the focal point of remembering their things. It is a fine line between coddling kids and expecting too much of them. As a teacher, it is best to approach the subject cautiously. If you are interested in more ideas, see my article for teacher on the Feature Articles page of my website, and good luck!
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